Post po kayo ng mga joke nyo d2!!! thankz....

Tatay: Honey, asenso na talaga yung anak natin sa Thailand. Nagpadala ng picture na nakasandal sa isang Mercedes Benz. May nakasulat nga pala sa likod, basahin mo.

Nanay: Talaga? Akin na dali. (Kinuha ang picture at binasa ang nakasulat sa likod)

"Nay, tay, kamusta na po kayo diyan? Nagpapasalamat po ako sa Mercedes Benz na ito dahil kung wala po ito, kanina pa 'ko natumba dito sa sobrang gutom."

Juan: Pedro kaninu nagpaalam si Jose Rizal bgo mamatay?

Pedro: Kay Huling!

Juan: huh? cnung Huling???

Pedro: db cnulat nya bago sya mamatay HULING paalam,,!

How to ask your Boss for a salary increase..?

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given ! ! $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,

Norman $oh


The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:


Dear NOrman,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,
Manager

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Don't STEAL. The GOVERNMENT hates competition.

Apo: Lola,naaalala kita tuwing naulan

Lola: Bakit naman?

Apo: Amoy lupa :D

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May anak na bakla si sargento Juan. Galit na galit ang ama dahil nasisira ang reputasyon nya.

AMA: (Inilubog ang ulo sa drum ng tubig) Babae ka ba o lalake!

ANAK: (Pag-ahon) Babaeeeee!

AMA: (Galit na galit- inilubog ulit ang ulo ) Babae ka ba o lalake!

ANAK: (Pag-ahon) Babaeeeee!

AMA: (Galit na galit- inilubog ulit ang ulo ng mas matagal) Babae ka ba o lalake!

ANAK: (Nakalulon ng tubig) SIRENAAA!

A Pinoy in New York was masturbating while looking up the sky.
An American asks: “Hey what are you doing?”
The Pinoy answered: “I’m fucking my wife in the Philippines via satellite.”


JUAN: Dok, bakit po ganito ang titi ko?
(Natawa ang doctor dahil ngayon lang sya nakakita ng super liit na etits.)
DOKTOR: So anong problema sa titi mo?
JUAN: Namamaga po kasi eh!


PEDRO: Dok, bakit dinugo sa first night ang asawa ko eh dating GRO yan?
(Ineksamin ng doctor ang Misis..)
DOKTOR: Wala po kayong dapat ikabahala. Natuklap lang po ang KALYO.


NANAY: Bobo ka talaga! One to ten lang di mo kayang bilangin!
ANAK: Mas bobo si Tatay ‘nay kasi narinig ko minsan sabi nya “Tama na Inday hanggang tatlo lang kaya ko.”


ANAK: Inay, anong masarap na hayop?
INA: Manok, baboy, baka..
ANAK: Si Inday ba hayop din?
INA: Hindi, baket?
ANAK: Kasi sabi ni Itay “Hayop ka Inday ang sarap-sarap mo!”

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warning 18 and above:

LETTUCE LETTUCE LETTUCE TOMATO LETTUCE

A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 9 years old.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk.

As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.

Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! She screams. Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Whoa!!! PULL IT OUT!!! PULL IT OUT NOW!!! I can't get pregnant!

Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!*!*!*!*!

MELANIE MARQUEZ
*During an interview with Inday Badiday.
Inday Badiday: "Paano ka nag-susurvive sa mga trials mo?"

Melanie Marquez: "Alam mo ate Ludz, you know, when you are alone, you really have to step your foot...ah , forward!"

SNOOKY
*Answering a question from the See-True Panel.
Snooky: "Ano kasi , she is, I mean she was, kasi past tense na nga pala..."

BB. PILIPINAS PILIPINAS CIRCA '70s
Eddie Mercado: "Of the three titles at stake, which would you want to win?"

Finalist: "I want to win the Bb. Pilipinas Universe because it would be an honor to represent the Philippines in the whole Universe!"

ALMA MORENO
*Wrapping up a conversation with guest Joey Albert during her show Rated A.
Alma : "So Joey, paki ulit muli yung concert mo sa University of Belt ."

DISCORAMA CONTESTANT
Joey : "Ano ang favorite movie mo, Tagalog o English?"
Discorama Girl contestant: "BOT!"
Vic: "So favorite mo talaga si Edgar Mortiz!"

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Filipino Software Engineer

There is this good old barber in some city in the US.

One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry I cannot accept money from you. I am doing a community service." The Florist is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and dozen roses waiting at his door.

A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry I cannot accept money from you. I am doing a community service." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.

A Filipino software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The Filipino software engineer is happy and leaves.

The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there ?

A dozen Filipinos waiting for a free haircut!

2 lalake nag-tatalo

lalake 1: ano gusto mo away o gulo??

lalake 2: away n lang para walang gulo...

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"Maybe this world is another planets Hell"
Antsden

Bicol

A Filipino guy from Bicol tries very hard to come to Canada. In doing so he spent all his money and sold all his valuables so after he gets out of the Canadian airport he takes the bus to go stay at his relatives' house. He thinks to himself, "Galit na galit ako parang gusto kong pumatay." So he takes a out his knife and flashes it at some white guy standing there on the bus,

The white guy then says, " Yo ! BE COOL man be cool!"

Then the Filipino guy says, "Oh Pasalamat ka, taga Bicol ka kundi pinatay na kita!!"

After getting all of the Pope’s luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. “Excuse me, Your Eminence,” says the driver, “would you please take your seat so we can leave?” “Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.” “I’m sorry but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! And what if something happens?” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning. “There might be something extra in it for you,” says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. “Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!” pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. “Oh, dear God, I’m gonna lose my license,” moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. “I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five. “So bust him,” says the Chief. “I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,” says the cop. “I mean really important.” “Who you got there, the Mayor?” the chief asks. “Bigger. Bigger than the governor or everyone else for that matter,” says the cop. “Well, who is it?” asks the chief. “I think it’s God!” says the cop. “What makes you think it’s God?” Cop answers: “He’s got the Pope for a limo driver!”

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"Maybe this world is another planets Hell"
Antsden

Kanin at buhok

Si Pedro ay kumakain sa isang mamahaling restaurant ng mapansin niya di niya pala dala lahat ng pera niya. Nung busog na siya naka-isip siya ng ideya.

PEDRO: Waiter! (galit na galit)

WAITER: Bakit ho sir?

PEDRO: Di mo ba nakikita na may buhok ang pagakin ko? Di ko babayaran yaan at marumi pala itong restaurant ninyo.

Dali-dali namang tumayo si Pedro habang ang waiter ay nagsabi sa manager. Nakita ng manager na halos ubos na ang pagkain ni Pedro kaya may kutob siya na mandurugas lang talaga ito kaya hinabol niya si Pedro.

Nakita niya si Pedro na pumasok sa bahay aliwan. Dali-daling sinundan ng manager at ng matunton niya ang kuwarto na kinalalagayan ni Pedro ay sinipa niya ang pinto. Natagpuan niya si Pedro na dinidilaan ang ari nung babae. Kaya lalong nagalit yung manager...

MANAGER: Isang pirasong buhok lang eh nandiri ka na, samantalang karami-raming buhok niyang kinakain mo ngayon!!! Magbayad ka!!!

Hindi man lang tumingin si Pedro sa manager imbis ay tumigil siya sa ginagawa niya at tumingin sa babae at ang sabi niya sa babae...

PEDRO: Pag may nakita akong isang butil ng kanin dito ay di kita babayaran...

Ang kay Pedro lang naman ay kung kanin ang kinakain niya ay dapat puro kanin at kung buhok ang kinakain niya eh dapat puro buhok.

>Usapan ng dalawang mayabang...
>Tomas: Ang galing ng aso ko! Tuwing umaga, dala niya ang dyaryo sa akin.
>Diego: Alam ko.
>Tomas: Ha? Paano mo nalaman?
>Diego: Ikinukuwento sa akin ng aso ko.
>
>WHO'S GUILTY?
>Wife dreaming in the middle of the night suddenly shouts, "Quick, My
>husband is back!"
>Man gets up, jumps out the window and realizes, "Damn! I am the husband!"

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