A woman is going to Italy to attend a two week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says, "An Italian girl!!!"

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked.

"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!" "Oh, that" she said. Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for nine (9) months to see if it is a girl!!!"

-----
Don't STEAL. The GOVERNMENT hates competition. Good in english huh!? It doesn't mean your smart enough.
my other account: crad3r (i use this only if my account is bugged)

Location: Mental Hospital

pasyente: (nagbubungkal ng lupa)

nurse: hoy! ano ginagawa mo dyan!!?

pasyente: di mo ba nakikita, nagtatanim ako

nurse: eh wala ka namang seed...pauso!

pasyente: seedless to ano!

-----

salamat ng dami dami mama cass

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique
oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out. The genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a
care in the world.' POOF! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal
masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' POOF! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the genie says to the manager and he says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

-----
I always arrive late at the office,
but I make up for it by leaving early..

Kiko: Berto, bakit naghihilamos ka sa inidoro? napakababoy mo ah!?

Berto: Bakit ako napakababoy, eh malinaw naman at malinis ang tubig na yan!

Kiko: Oo nga! eh hindi mo ba alam na d'yan ako umiinom, tapos hihilamusan mo! huwag naman ganon..

*****
Pedro: Pare, sobrang taba talaga ng Misis ko kaya't gusto niyang magbawas ng timbang!

Pablo: Sabihin mo sa Misis na mag Horseback riding siya.

Makaraan ang dalawang buwan.

Pedro: Kumusta naman ang resulta ng Horseback Riding !

Pablo: Nabawasan ng 40 Kilos ang kabayo!!

*****
Lumindol ng malakas noon. Nagkagulo ang lahat at nag panic!

Sigaw ng isang lalaki: "Katapusan na! Katapusan na!"

Sumagot ang isa rin lalaki: "Tanga! a-kinse pa lang ngayon"!

*****
Sakristan: Father, may libangan din ba ang mga Pari?

Pari: Oo, naman, pag dating ng hapon, kaming mga pari dito sa bayan ay naglalaro ng Mahjong.

Sakristan: Bakit po naman Mahjong pa ang napili niyong laro?

Pari: Kasi, dito lang kami nakakasalat ng flower, Iho!

*****
Misis: Hoy, Tumigil ka na sa pag inom ng Beer, masyado kang magastos.

Mister: Ikaw, make-up mo ang magastos!

Mrs: Nagpapaganda ako para sa iyo.

Mister: Ako umiinom naman para gumanda ka!

*****
Isang araw sumakay ng Bus si Lola

Konduktor: Lola pasensiya na po kasi puno na! payag po ba kyo ng patayo?

Lola: Tinamaan ka ng Lintek kung inabot mo lang ang kabataan ko, kahit patuwad payag ako!

*****
Isang U.S. Major ang na-stationed sa isolated na Kampo sa Iraq. Kinabukasan, habang may inspection, napansin ng Major ang isang camel na nakatali sa likuran ng Barracks. Nagtanong siya sa Sergeant kung bakit may alagang camel sa Kampo.

SGT: Major, dito sa kampo, masyadong malayo ang bayan kaya't kung sinuman ang gustong makatikim ng ligaya, nandito naman ang camel.

Major: Bawal mag alaga ng hayop dito sa Kampo pero kung para sa 'morale' ng mga Troops, it's okey with me.

Makalipas ang anim na buwan, hindi na makatiis ang Major kaya't tinawag ang Sarhento.

Major: Dalhin mo dito sa tent ang camel. Walang nagawa ang Sarhento kaya't dinala ang camel sa loob ng tent. Makalipas ang 15 minutes, lumabas ang Major na nakangiti.

Major: Sergeant, ganito ba ang ginagawa ng mga Troops pag nalulungkot sila?

Sergeant: Hindi po Sir, sinasakyan nila ang camel papunta sa bayan para makahanap ng mga babae!

-----
Don't STEAL. The GOVERNMENT hates competition. Good in english huh!? It doesn't mean your smart enough.
my other account: crad3r (i use this only if my account is bugged)

MAGALING NA DAW

Ine-examin nung Doktor yung isang pasyente sa Mental Hospital sa
pamamagitan ng tanong at sagot. Tanong nung Doktor, "Kung ikaw ay
palabasin ngayon sa ospital, ano ang iyong unang gagawin?" Sagot
nung pasyente, "Titiradorin ko po ang buwan!" Wika nung Doktor,
"Ikaw ay hindi pa pwedeng palabasin. E-examinin ulit kita sa
paglipas ng anim na buwan."

Pagkaraan ng anim na buwan, muling inexamin nung Doktor yung pasyente.
Tanong nung Doktor, "Kung ikaw ay palabasin ngayon sa ospital, ano
ang iyong gagawin?" Sagot ng pasyente. "Doktor, ako'y magaling na.
Pagkalabas ko po sa ospital, ako po ay hahanap ng trabaho upang
mamuhay ng mag-isa." Muling nagtanong ang Doktor, "Pagnakahanap ka
ng trabaho, ano ang iyong gagawin?" Sagot ng pasyente, "Doktor, ako
po ay manliligaw ng isang mabait, masipag at magandang babaeng pwede
kong makakapiling na pang habang buhay." Gulat ang Doktor! Mukhang
matino na ang kaniyang pasyente! Muli pang nagtanong ang Doktor,
"Pagkatapos niyong makasal, ano ang iyong gagawin?" Sagot ng pasyente,
"Aba, Doktor, kami po ay mag-hahanimun!" Bilib na naman ang Doktor.
Tanong ulit ng Doktor, "Ano ang iyong gagawin sa inyong hanimun?"

Sagot ng pasyente, "Doktor, huhubarin ko po ang blusa at palda ng
aking bagong asawa.""Pagkatapos..." tanong ng Doktor. "Pagkatapos...
" sabi ng pasyente, "huhubarin ko ang kaniyang bra at panty".
"Pagkatapos..." tanong ng Doktor. "Pagkatapos..." sabi ng pasyente,
"kukunin ko lahat ng lastiko sa bra at panty at titiradorin ko ang buwan!"


ANG PALAY


Nitong mga nakaraang buwan napapansin ni Mister ang pagiging matabang ni Misis.
Walang maisip na dahilan si Mister sa pagiging matabang ni Misis kundi ang
posibilidad na si Misis ay kumakaliwa. Sa pag-iisip ni Mister kung papaano
ang gagawin upang mapatunayan kung totoo ang kanyang hinala, nabanggit niya
sa kanyang Kumpare ang kanyang niloloob.

Mister: "Pare palagay ko ang Kumare mo kinakaliwa ako ngunit hindi ko mapatunayan."

Kumpadre: "Sana naman Pare hindi totoo ang hinala mo, pero kung gusto mo, mayroon
akong alam na paraan para mo mapatunayan ang hinala mo."

Mister: "Siyanga Pare, ano ang alam mong paraan?"

Kumpadre: "Di ba Pare ang kama ninyo ay 'yong double bed, 'Yong bang box spring na
may nakapatong na mattress sa ibabaw?"

Mister: "Ganoon nga ang kama namin Pare, Oh - ngayon?"

Kumpadre: "Ganito iyon Pare, maglagay ka ng isang gatang na palay sa kama ninyo. Sa
pagitan ba ng box spring at mattress pero huwag mong ipaaalam kay
Kumare."

Mister: "Eh, ano naman ang kinalaman ng palay kung totoo ngang kumakaliwa ang
Kumare mo?"

Kumpadre: "Pare, iyong palay pag naging bigas..............SIGURADONG MAY
BUMAYO."

BABAE DAW

Nagkaroon ng trouble ang airplane at sabi ng piloto "Fasten your seat belt".
Isang babae nag-panic at ang sabi: "Ako'y babae, nais kong maranasan ang dapat
maranasan ng isang babae bago bumagsak ang eroplanong ito! Mayroon ba sa iyong
magpapatunay na ako'y babae?"

Tingin ang mga kelot at kinilatis si babae. Medyo may edad at medyo di maganda.
Walang nag-voluntir agad.

Sigaw ng babae: "Patunayan ninyong ako'y babae!"

"Ako!" sigaw ng isang pogi at matchong lalake habang ina-alis niya ang bitones
ng kanyan kamisedentro.

Nanginig ang babae habang lumalapit ang kelot sa kanya.

Tahimik ang lahat...

Hinubag ang polo at ini-abot sa babae. Sabe niya sa babae, "Pakiplantsa mo 'to!"


NAKATIPID

Takbong pumasok ng bahay si Mario.
Pagud na pagod, pero masayang-masaya.
Nagmamayabang pa sa ina.
"Nanay! Nanay! Nakatipid ako ng uno singkwenta."
"Nakatipid? Paano?" tanong ng nanay.
"Aba'y 'di ako sumakay ng dyip.
Sumabay lang ako ng takbo.
Kaya't nakatipid ako ng one-fifty!"
"Bobo ka pala, eh. Kung taxi ang sinabayan mo,
'Di mas malaki ang natipid mo!"

Agaw-Buhay

Nakaupo sa tabi ng kanyang asawang agaw-buhay si Juan.
Hawak hawak niya ang kamay nito at nararamdaman ni Juan
na hindi na magtatagal at babawian na ng buhay ang kanyang asawa.

"Juan, bago ako mamatay, mayroon akong gustong ipagtapat
sa iyo."

"Mahal, huwag ka ng magsalita at makakasama pa sa iyo."

"Pero Juan, kailangan talagang malaman mo na........"

"Sssshhhh, kung ano man iyon ay hindi na mahalaga, ang
importante ay nasa tabi mo ako sa huling sandali mo
rito sa mundo."

"Juan, nais kong ipagtapat sa iyo na pinag-taksilan kita
sana ay patawarin mo ako."

"Alam ko iyon, kaya nga kita NILASON."

KAIBAHAN

Ano ang kaibahan ni Prince Charles sa kulangot?

Si Prince Charles ay heir to the throne.

Ang kulangot ay thrown to the air!


LETTER

An alcoholic son's letter to his Dad:

Beer dad,

Gin na 'ko mag-iinom whisky kelan man.
Tanduayan mo yan.

Your son,
Miguel.

-----

sometimes, we need to forget about the people from our past, 'cause there must be a good reason why they didn't make it to our future.

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a Great Chest you have!"

He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive Calves you have!"

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby."

He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and runs after her.

He catches up to her and asks her why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies: I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!

-----
I always arrive late at the office,
but I make up for it by leaving early..

what do you call a naked, sexy, beautiful lady lying in the arms of a poor ugly man?
....
....
....
....
....

"TATTOO!!"

tattoo lang yun..
wala namang ganun!

-----

how foolish are fools are?!

minsan ba na nakikita mo akong kausap sarili ko?????



puwes, ngayon malabo na yong makita....



kasi.....



nag-away kami

-----
"One who sees the invisible... Can do the impossible."

IBA ANG PINOY

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.

One from the Philippines , another from Mexico and an American.

They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Filipino contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "What? You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure? How do you expect me to consider your service with that bid??

"Easy," the Pinoy explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Mexico ".

The next day, the Pinoy and the Mexican are working on the Fence.

-----

salamat ng dami dami mama cass

tong joke na to ginawa na ng bubble gang.

-----
ang pagbabalik ng panday!!!

I just received this text earlier...just want to share it

Abalos' Prayer

ZTE father,
who are in China,
hakot be thy name,
thy kickback come,
thy wealth be done,
in Wack-Wack as it is in COMELEC...

Give me this day my daily bribe,
and conceal all my sins,
as I conceal those sin along with me,
and if I am led into temptation,
deliver me from criticism,
its power and its money,
forever and ever...

Amin...

-----
...

HISTORY 101:
JUDAS: anong gimik yang hinuhugasan ni Magda ang paa ni Bossing?
PETER: wag kang makialam, darating ang araw at tatawagin yang FOOT SPA.

the parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet storekeeper. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, and said, "That's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."

-----

salamat ng dami dami mama cass

Bobo: pare hulaan mo ugali ko, nagsisimula ng letter A
Pare: approachable?
Bobo: mali
Pare: amiable
Bobo: mali pa rin
Pare: o sige, sirit na nga
Bobo: Anest


Policeman arresting a prostitute
Prosti: I am not selling sex
Police: Then what are you doing?
Prosti: I'm a saleswoman selling condoms with free demo.


Bush: What are the pollutants in your country?
Jingoy: We have lots of pollutants.. ..we have sisig, kilawin, chicharon, mani
Erap: Anak, may nakalimutan ka, Boy Bawang (cornik).


Tindero: Hoy, bili k a g atas ng baka. P10 piso lang isang baso
Manong: Ang mahal naman, may tig piso lang ba nyan?
Tindero: Meron po, pero kayo na po ang dumede sa baka.


Pasyente: Dok, bakit po ganito ang operasyon sa ulo ko? Halos kita na utak ko
Doctor: Ok lang yan, yan ang tinatawag na open minded.

Amo: Bakit ka umiiyak?
Katulong: Sabi po ni dok tatanggalan po ako ng butlig
Amo: Butlig lang iiyak ka na...
Katulong: Kasi ok lang kung right lig or left lig lang poââ'¬Â¦.. pero bakit naman butligs pa.....


Doc: Ano trabaho mo hija?
Girl: Substitute po
Doc: Hindi kaya prostitute?
Girl: Hindi po, mama ko po ang prostitute at kung may sakit siya ako po yung substitute.. ..


Doc: For your health take only a cup of rice, lean meat and a saucer of kangkong.
Fruits for dessert and lots of juice....
Fat guy: Doc, shall I take them before or after meals?


Kodigo
Nahuling may kodigo ang estudyante.. .
Guro: Ano 'to?
Estudyante: Prayer ko po, ma'am!
Guro: At bakit answers ang nakasulat?
Estudyante: Naku! Sinagot na ang prayers ko!

-----
Don't STEAL. The GOVERNMENT hates competition. Good in english huh!? It doesn't mean your smart enough.
my other account: crad3r (i use this only if my account is bugged)

a young man decided to marry a respectable convent-bred girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society.. after the wedding, they drove through the more unsavory part of the city on the way to the reception..

the wife asked: "what are those women doing leaning against the lamp post?"
the husband said: "oh, those are women who sell their bodies for sex at 100usd at a time"
"wow, really?", exclaimed the bride. "the monks at the convent only gave us apples."..

-----
I always arrive late at the office,
but I make up for it by leaving early..