A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside.
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is.
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the
little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh!t again."



*************************

Cannibals captured three men who were lost in the forest. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."

The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

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“A dog is not considered a good dog because he is a good barker. A man is not considered a good man because he is a good talker.”

Dowry/Nuptial Presents
Isang Pinoy ang nagtayo ng Company sa isang bansa sa Asia. Makalipas ang apat na buwan, dumalo siya sa party ng Ambassador. Doon sa Embassy, nakita niya ang napakagandang Secretary ng Amb. Sabay ligaw agad ang Pinoy. Tradition dito sa bansa, pag nanligaw ka, magbibigay ka ng dowry/nuptial presents para makapag-asawa ka. Sasabihin agad ng babae kung ano ang gusto niya.

Babae: 1st dowry, bigyan mo ako ng 14 carat gold wedding band at 72 carat diamond ring. Tumawag ang Pinoy sa cell phone at sinabi sa kaniyang Accountant ang kailangan. Sabi ng Accountant, walang problema. Naisip ng Secretary na 'easy' lang pala ang unang request kaya't tataasan niya ang susunod na dowry.

Babae: 2nd dowry, magpatayo ka ng 60 acre mansion sa New York at 40 acre summer home in France. Tinawag ng Pinoy ang kaniyang Broker sa NY at France. Sagot ng mga Broker, wala rin problema.

Babae: 3rd dowry pakakasal lang ako kung 10 inches ang "ari" mo! Dahil dito, biglang namutla ang Pinoy at hindi makapag-salita agad.

Babae: Akala mo, kaya mong lahat ang dowry ko. Wala ka pala ibubuga tungkol doon sa ari mo!

Pinoy: Sorry po, maski na masakit, ipapaputol ko na rin ang ari ko sa haba na 10 inches long!

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“For prying into any human affairs, non are equal to those whom it does not concern.”

credits to Tito Milambiling:

Mare1: Bakit ka naka-shades?
Mare2: May Eyebag ako nakakahiya.
Mare1: Bakit ka naman mahihiya e..... pinag-puyatan mo yan.

-----

Never reveal your name, Never turn your back, Never surrender your heart

Love story ng pokpok at addict:

Adik: Will you marry me?

Pokpok: Oo, pero ok lang ba sa iyo kahit meron akong past?

Adik: Oo, ok lang! Wala naman akong future eh!

And they live happily, ever after.

-----

Rock band, performance poets, figures of worship.. rock icons.

ARMY: Manong, saan ba rito nagpupugad ang mga NPA?..

AETA: Sir, matagal na ako rito sa bundok pero wala pa akong nakikitang pugad ng NPA…teka, ano bang kulay ng itlog nila, sir?

-----
The problem with fear of death is that it can paralyze one's ability to enjoy life..

credits to roni santiago:

pare1: hay nako! problema na naman ang pang gastos!
pare2: tom gusto mo ng advice?
pare1: maganda ba yang advice mo?
pare2: aba oo!
pare1: kung gayon, ayoko ng davice mo dahil pag maganda, mahirap sundin!

-----

Never reveal your name, Never turn your back, Never surrender your heart

DORAY: mare, kulang pa kami ng isang miyembro. baka gusto mong sumali sa paluwagan.

PINANG : hindi pa ako pwede, mare.

DORAY: bakit mare?

PINANG: virgin pa kasi ako.

--------------

Si Erap nakabasag ng vase sa Museum, yung attendant nataranta.

ATTENDANT: naku sir, more than 500 years old na po yang vase.

ERAP: hay salamat. Akala ko bago!

-----
“A dog is not considered a good dog because he is a good barker. A man is not considered a good man because he is a good talker.”

got from my email

SEXY: Maawa ka! Meron ako, Meron ako!
RAPIST: AHH! Walang meron-meron sa akin! TITIKMAN KITAA!!
SEXY: WAG! AY!
RAPIST: Yaakk!! Meron ka nga! Meron kang itlog. Bakla!

-----

Never reveal your name, Never turn your back, Never surrender your heart

Makabagong kasabihan: Kagandahan edition
1. Para sa magaganda: "aanhin mo ang ganda, kung wala ka namang papa."
2. Para sa gustong magpaganda/retokada : "kung gusto mong lumandi, tiisin mo ang hapdi"
3. Para sa mga feeling magaganda: "talbog ang matigas na tinapay sa tigas ng mukha ng nagmamagandang inday"
4. Para sa mga walang ganda: "mabait man daw at magaling, ang chaka-chaka pa rin"

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Crap! THAT'S the word!”

-----

^
FHM yan ha. hahaha.

-----

Salamat kay bluryan_kakeru sa siggy

Nag uusap ang Lolo at Ang Apo tungkol sa Pamana:
Sabi ng Lolo: Apo, alam mo na matanda na ako, malapit na akong mamatay, Ipapamana ko sa iyo ang aking Sakahan, Prutasan, Bahay at ang mga alaga kong Hayop.

Sabi ng Apo: Laking pasasalamat ko po Lolo, Saan po Yun?

Sabi ng Lolo: Sa Facebook Apo, heto Email ko hotmale18@yahoo.com at ang Password ay papawash143. Click mo sa bookmark ang Farmville.

----------------------------------------------------
para pa sa ibang mga jokes bumisita lamang dito
http://www.walakasaloloko.info/

Hinoldap ng isang lalake ang jeep na may pasaherong madre at prosti.

Holdaper: Rereypin ko lahat ng babae dito!

Prosti: Ako na lang poh! Maawa kayo sa kanila!

Madre: Lahat nga daw eh! Wag ka nang kumontra!Pakialamera ka!!!

-----
PLURK, FACEBOOK, at TWITTER tayo

dreadsatdoobie said:
^
FHM yan ha. hahaha.

Talaga? Astig ah...I just grabbed it from a blog.

Here are 15 of the harshest things a woman can say to a naked man.
1. Ahhhh, it's cute.
2. Why don't we just cuddle?
3. Make it dance.
4. Wow, and your feet are so big.
5. It's okay, we'll work around it.
6. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
7. This explains your car.
8. But it still works, right?
9. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
10. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
11. Are you cold?
12. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
13. Does it come with an air pump?
14. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
15. I guess this makes me the early bird.

-----

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter,

The PRINCESS..

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;

Metal, Wood, Stone, Anything she touched would melt..

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians... One wizard told the king,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth..

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .

The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. !
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.


Question: What was in the prince's pants?








M&M's of course..


They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??